Sunday, September 16, 2012

Second Fill to the band

Update...since surgery: 11 pounds lost
Fill on band: 2nd fill done last week taking it from 52% capacity (5.2) to 72% capacity (7.2)

Slow and steady as she goes.  When I stepped on the scale, I was heartbroken.  I was hoping for more weight loss as this 11 pounds is from my first weigh in prior to my surgery.  I guess I should be happy that I have not GAINED weight but this is a whole lot different than my gastric bypass where I lost 25 pounds in the first month.

It's a process.  I know. I keep hearing that and I keep telling myself that but there are so many things I want to accomplish in the coming two years that require me to be 50 POUNDS DOWN...and 11 pounds in 3 months is very very slow...but I will keep the faith...keep better records and try very hard to be honest with myself...

Likkkkkeeee...not drinking so much like I did on my birthday weekend in Virginia Beach.  Liiiiikkkkeee...not eating so much birthday cake (one of my downfalls) during my actually birthday at Disney.
Liiiiiikkkeee...Stress eating during my mother's back surgery and stay in the hospital.  Candy, potato chips and the like are NOT going to make her better or make me thinner.

Food has always been my constant companion.  It is use to ease my stress...curb my loneliness or to simply entertain me.  Am I the ONLY person on the planet who has eaten on a long road trip just because there was nothing else to do?  Let's end this pity party and get on to more important matters.

I guess my biggest issue is how to confront my addiction to food when the desire is right there...in the moment when the choice is up to me: to eat...or not to eat.  Is it meal time? If not...then why the HELL am I stuffing my face.  Loneliness, boredom, anger, sadness, frustration, celebration...the emotions cry out for food but what they really are crying out for is to be confronted...to be addressed and to be dealt with in another way besides the consumption of multiple calories.

If you are reading this blog and you don't have an eating disorder or an addiction, you may not understand the PULL of your addictive substance.  I KNOW..."just stop eating"...you know how many times I have heard that?? If it were that simple...I would have done it ages ago...but it something more than just eating for hunger...its eating for the hunger of the soul.

So please understand that this struggle...this fight..is one I WILL WIN...and damn it Im going to. My parents don't believe in any of this cause.  They don't see the need to be thinner...or healthier...but I do...and I will...I am worth it...no matter what I have felt in the past.