Friday, October 30, 2015

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom...

It's been 46 days since you left this world to be with our heavenly father.  I knew this day would come.  I knew I would have to deal with grief of losing you but it happened so fast..and so not the way I thought it would.  We always thought Dad would go first...and with the length of your mother's life and her siblings...I often thought you would outlive me..

It was not to be.

I have watched others deal with the grief of losing someone they loved and I always thought others handled it with such grace.  I don't feel graceful now.  I feel like I am stumbling through life.  I feel like I can't focus on things for long...I don't sleep and everything reminds me of you.  I walk into the house you shared with my father for decades and I feel like you will appear around the next corner.  I am having a hard time accepting that you are not here.  How could you be gone?  You were just with me in NC and planning a trip to New Orleans.  How could you be an angel now? We were just talking about how it would be great to attend the first wedding of one of your grandchildren.  How can this be ??

And as we as a family go through the house and gather up your things, everything I touch has a memory.  I try to decide what to keep that will help me not lose the memory of you...but its so hard to choose.  I play the moment you left this world over and over in my head and it hurts so much i forget to breath.  Someone told me that losing your mother feels like you are having a heart attack all the time..and that is so very true.  My heart aches. My heart hurts.  My head can not believe you are gone.

We had our moments of utter frustration.  You hated that I loved being a triathlete but you tried so hard to be proud of me.  Your little girl wasn't always into makeup and polished nails...but into getting sweaty, dirty and tired over miles and miles of pavement and water.  This was a life you didn't understand but when I would return from a race, you listened to the details with great attention and loved me regardless.  You would hug me goodbye, give me little notes and we would go shopping because that is what we both enjoyed.

I always wanted to take you to a nice lunch in the mall but every time we went shopping, you wanted Honey Chicken from the little Chinese place in the food court.  Ugh...gross take out Chinese food but you loved it.  So we would share a plate and talk about shoes and clothes and scarves and life.  There were moments I was so frustrated by this..but I would give anything to do that one more time with you...just one more time.

How do I do this Mom? How do I honor your memory? How do I take care of Dad as you did? I am lost...but know that I will do the best I can to be the best citizen of the world because you raised me right.  If only I could have the heart and sweet soul you did.  You were amazing.

Miss miss you more...And I love very much.

Your loving daughter...Your daughter who survived when the others did not..