...The hardest part wasn't losing you...
It is learning to live without you...
Closure is what everyone told me I probably needed to move forward from you death. It has been 154 days since you left this earth and this last weekend, we said our final goodbye.
You had told all of us that you wanted your ashes spread into the waters off the Abaco Islands and on what would have been your 62nd wedding anniversary, we said goodbye and committed your ashes to the sea. I had to laugh as they opened the bottle to let the ashes go...and the ashes would not exit the glass container. I told everyone that, even in death, you never liked getting your hair wet.
I spent the weekend with many of your friends, my brothers, my father, my husband and my sisters in law. If I told you it didn't have its moments of pain, I would be lying, but all in all it was full of the fun that I remember growing up in the Bahamas part time.
When the weekend was over and our plane was leaving Abaco, I looked back and I cried because I felt like I was somehow leaving you behind. It was a very emotional moment for me...it was very final for me...and I believe it was the closure that I have been searching for. You are at peace. You are in a beautiful place. My memories of you on the boat, on the dock, cooking conch fritters and loving our family are permanently etched in my mind and in my heart. It was so what I needed.
This doesn't mean Im going to forget you...but it does mean I will move forward from this day to now focus on taking care of me. I have lost that focus and my body and life has taken a toll for it. I have put on 12 pounds since you were hospitalized and my body screams for health. I promised myself that today is the day that I begin to put myself back into shape...into racing...into health...and into happiness.
I am pretty sure that you would still not want me racing Ironman...but I am also very sure you would want me to be happy in my life as I move forward. Being an Ironman has been my dream for many years now and being at a healthy weight is also my goal. I plan on moving forward on both those things today.
I love you Mom...be my guardian angel...be by my side as I race my next half marathon, train on my bike and work as a Divemaster at Disney. I know you will...and I know you will keep an eye out for all of us
And .. by the way... the conch fritters were really good this weekend...but not as good as yours..
I love you